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Real Estate Humor Because even the most serious subjects can always use a bit of levity, this Page is devoted to posting of less than serious real estate and legal humor. All submissions are presented strictly for the noncommercial entertainment of the viewers of these Pages. AS a new real-estate agent, I had just been given my first beeper. Eager to show it off, I went to visit my mother. She was much impressed and jotted the number down in case she ever had to reach me. Then she invited me to dinner. While she finished preparing the meal, I went shopping. I was waiting in a checkout line when I got my first "beep." Feeling important, as everyone in line looked on, I pushed the beeper's call button to hear my mother's voice loud and clear: "Supper's ready!" SOME time after our top salesman, a man by the name of Holme, handed in his resignation, he asked me if I had anyone in mind for his job. I told him I had decided on a young woman named House. At this he quipped, "Do you really think you can replace a Holme with just a House?" WHEN the last of their three children was about to leave home, my parents decided to buy a smaller house. The real-estate sign went up. A week later, a second "For Sale" sign appeared two doors away. "Soon you'll have new families on either side of you," my mother remarked to the neighbour whose house was in the middle. "We're thinking of putting up our own sign," she replied wistfully. "It would read: 'Was it something we said?' " OWNER to a house hunter: "Yes, the kitchen is a bit small, but with a mortgage like this you won't do much cooking anyway." WHEN a real-estate agency hadn't sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a "For Sale" message on a sign board and posted it outside. THE dance we were going to was formal. Elegantly dressed, I headed downstairs, picking up in passing a wastebasket that needed to be emptied and a mop that had to be put away. The door bell rang. I answered it, still clutching mop and wastebasket. The young man gave me a startled look. "My wife and I were interested in buying a home in this neighbourhood," he began, "but if this is the way everyone dresses to clean house, I'm not sure we want to live here." WHEN we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was made perfectly each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret he was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag. A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thorough fare. Our Real Estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house. One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him. "Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone." Debbie looked him straight in the eye before blurting out, "We have monsters in our sewer." MY friend Marilyn, a real-estate agent, had difficulty getting a listing from a customer whose theory was that "there is no substitute for experience." After he asked her a third time how many years she had been in the business, she told him: "Sir, there is a little-known historical fact that Moses brought three tablets down from the mountain - two were the Ten Commandments and the other was my real-estate license!" She got the listing. AS property manager of single-family residences, I was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions: "Professionally employed?" "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Yes, nine and twelve," she told me proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved." THREE boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. THE second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet." THE third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a real estate agent. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!" A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
Your House Seen by: Yourself Your Lender  Your Buyer  Your Appraiser  Your Tax Assessor  Real Estate Humor
Guide to Real Estate Terms... To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet, here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases. Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home." When They Say and What They Really Mean... Sophisticated city living - Next to a noisy bar. Old world charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning. Contemporary feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning. Close to lakes - Impossible to park from April to October. Wide open floor plan - Previous owner removed supporting walls. Security system - Neighbor has a dog. Needs tlc - Major structural damage. Updated kitchen - Sink no longer overflows. Motivated seller - Has been on the market for 14 years. Convenient - Located on freeway entrance ramp. Mint - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet. Neutral decor - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls. Move in condition - Front door missing. Cozy - No room larger than 9 x 6. Lower level family room - Ping Pong table over sewer opening. Light open spaces - Many holes in walls and ceiling. Outstanding - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb. A wealth of period features - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies. Box room - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded. By private treaty - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price. Compact - Tiny. Country gentleman's residence - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants. Deceptive appearance - It looks terrible. Easily maintained - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid. under the strain. For the gardening enthusiast - Grounds like a jungle. Local authority grants available - About to be condemned. Much sought after - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it. Owner eager to sell - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed. Partial central heating - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer. Period residence - Built in the last two years. Quiet, secluded setting - On site of proposed dormitory town. Rare opportunity to buy - No one else want's it. Select neighborhood - Beside sewage works. Sold - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price. Subject to new instructions - They have just discovered death watch beetle. Unspoiled - Planning permission granted for field next door. Unusual features - No roof. Unusual location - In the path of a projected motorway. Useful outbuildings - No inside toilet. Well situated - In full view of the neighbors.
 
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